Implausible Crossovers, Ahoy!
by M.N.Moore
Summary: Think you can't mix Harry Potter with just about anything? From Transformers to The Karate Kid to the Bible, I'll show you how! And just about anything goes, kids, so be prepared.
1. HP Transformers

**Harry Potter and the Implausable Crossovers**

A/N: I won't be writing complete stories. I'm just imagining various implausible or…dare I say it?...impossible crossover ideas and working them into a semi-cohesive one shot. The better ones may get two or three shots.

If you feel like stealing an idea, be my guest.

**Harry Potter/Transformers**

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank-you-very-much. Except that they were not at all normal, and could transform into any number of robotic life forms if they were so inclined. They were Decepticons, you see, and had spent most of their lives trying to hide this fact from their prying neighbors. But apart from the fact that there was more to them that met the eye, they were really quite ordinary people, and if it gave them pride to lie about their little secret then who was there to judge them?

Mrs. Dursley often performed karaoke, badly, at the local bars, and Mr. Dursley liked to break small and fragile things with his big, meaty hands. Both of them often set off metal detectors wherever they went, and when they made love at night the neighbors would wake in their beds next door wondering if there'd been a car crash or if a light plane had been downed nearby.

The Dursleys were perfectly happy pretending that they were humans and rather believed they were now, something their fellow Decepticons weren't too keen on. It was one of the reasons that Mrs. Dursley so dreaded visits from her sister Lilytron, who was not only an arrogant little Autobot but insisted on tooling around as a bright red Ford Mustang, the little hussy, and her husband James Pottertron was not much better as a sleek, black Corvette.

On the morning this story begins, Mr. Dursley scarcely noticed the sensible SUV that was parked outside his house. He was much more focused on the latest news of giant robot attacks ranging all the way from Northern Ireland to the continent.

"Bloody Autobots," he growled as he transformed into an old Toyoto spotted with rust and puttered off to work, avoiding the giant holes left by the giant robots as they fought animatedly on the highway. Flatulent with rage, he emitted clouds of black exhaust from his tailpipe all the way to work, which was quite productive considering the fact that two neighboring buildings had already come toppling down and the computer at his desk had come to life. (Though he was quite annoyed that his computer mouse continually tried snapping at his fingers.) Surprisingly he'd gotten to work on time, but as parking wasn't an issue he had saved fifteen minutes otherwise spent attempting to find an open spot in his parking garage.

Back on Privet Drive, the SUV was watching the scene with a certain sense of dismay. But it wasn't until later in the night that the arrival of another would break her out of her reverie, and returning to her true robotic state McGonabot found herself face to chest with the mighty Optimus Dumbletron. White metal dripped in chains from his chin, forming what in the human mind would have been thought of as a beard. On humans such things looked very wise—on robots, they looked quite silly, though the fact that Dumbletron was strong enough to tear schoolbuses in two in one mighty swipe was a bit intimidating.

What they should have said was, "Sir, with all due respect, I think the beard should go. It doesn't serve to make you look distinguished at all. In fact it makes you look somewhat laughable." And Dumbletron would have replied, "Really? I'm glad somebody finally told me, I was thinking rather along the same lines myself but for some reason people expect beards on the faces of the old and wise." And the other should have replied, "Oh, but you're much more of a Patrick Stewart sort of distinguished," and Dumbletron would have thanked him politely and excused himself. But young Autobots have difficulty speaking so familiarly with their elders, so the prior conversation never took place.

McGonabot crossed her arms over her chest. Her emerald green paint job glittered a little as Dumbletron lowered his lights. "So, are the rumors true?" she asked.

"Yes…James and Lily Pottertron…destroyed."

A droplet of oil eased out of the crease of McGonabot's ocular socket, and she shook her head. "But…you can't bring him here, Dumbletron! They're Decepticons! Worse, they're Decepticons pretending to be human!"

Dumbletron shook his head slowly. "It is best. Anyway, I find children that young most unpleasant and wouldn't want to burden anybody meaningful with the brat. Besides, an unhappy and borderline abusive childhood will make him strong."

McGonabot wanted to say that this was a horrible idea. If she had it would have gone something like this. She'd say,"That's a horrible idea," to which he'd reply, "Oh bugger off you old sod, who's in charge here?" To which she'd have said, "Certainly our kind have laws keeping the old and senile from ruling," To which he'd quickly rip off her head and throw it to crush the neighbor's begonias. So it was best, in this case, she said nothing.

Before long there was the definite sound of a helicopter coming in for a landing. It touched ground right in front of them and transformed into a robot larger even than Dumbletron.

"Hagridbot, you made it," said Dumbletron, breathing a sigh of relief.

"And I brough 'im, sir," said Hagridbot. In helicopter form he had deposited a scarlet and black vehicle on the lawn. "Little tykes tuckered out."

The car was shut down completely. Dumbletron laid a hand on it. "Both parents killed, and yet when Voldetron tried to kill him…something about this bot fried Voldetron's circuits. What it is, I cannot tell." He left a recorded message in the front seat and the three said their goodbyes.

And on the front lawn he slept, not knowing that he was now alone, that in the morning he'd be awakened by his aunt Petuniabot spitting hot oil all over his rear bumper, not knowing that he was famous or that everywhere across the country fellow Autobots were raising glasses of high quality motor oil in toast to Harry Pottertron, the Bot-Who-Lived.


	2. HPHannah Montana

**Harry Potter and the Implausable Crossovers**

A/N: I won't be writing complete stories. I'm just imagining various implausible or…dare I say it?...impossible crossover ideas and working them into a semi-cohesive one shot. The better ones may get two or three shots.

If you feel like stealing an idea, be my guest.

**Harry Potter/Hannah Montana**

"You got the Firebolt out front...ooh-oh-ooh...hot wands, every style, every core..."

"Will you turn that off Ginny?" said Ron in disgust, looking for a moment as if he was going to throw something large and unwieldy at the radio sitting next to his sister.

"You're just annoyed because you think Voldina Witchina is super hot," said Ginny, rolling her eyes at her brother.

Ron blushed, which made Harry fairly certain that his friend's sister was on to something. "Just who is this Voldina Witchina anyway?" he asked. "I've been hearing about her all summer, and I'm pretty sure that that's the only thing they play on the radio these days."

"You'll find out when we get to Diagon Alley tomorrow," said Ginny. "Mum said that there was Voldina Witchina stuff all over the place. In fact I'm pretty sure that I'm going to pick up some Voldina Witchina bedsheets for the next term," she said. "Ooh, pink ones, with little hearts, and Voldina's face all over the cover! Should I pick some up for you, Ron?" she said, fluttering her eyelashes and turning Ron even redder.

"You're evil," said Ron to his sister.

Harry really could care less about this new witch pop sensation, whoever she was, but Ron seemed more than a little entranced by her so he was looking forward to getting a good look at her the next day in Diagon Alley, especially since an announcement had come that she might even be making a surprise concert appearance in the evening. "Can you believe it!?" said Ginny, pulling on her Voldina Witchina T-shirt, knee socks, and hair barettes. "I might get to meet the real life Voldina Witchina! This is so terribly exciting! I think I might scream!" To emphasize the point she did scream, a high pitched sound with broke several windows in the Burrow and made a murder of crows on the front lawn fall over dead.

(By the way, a group of crows is in fact called a murder, not a flock. Look it up, kids.)

In Diagon Alley it looked as if Ginny wasn't the only one who had gotten the idea to dress up as her favorite pop star, and it seemed to Harry that he was swimming in a sea of pink. Even some of the guys were wearing the color, which led to an awkward moment in which Draco and Harry spotted one another, Draco seemed to ignore the giant smiling visage in the middle of his chest, and sidled awkwardly away down Knockturn Alley.

But the more that Harry saw the face that seemed to be, well, everywhere, he was beginning to feel a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Uh...Ron...doesn't she look familiar to you? This Voldina chick?"

"What?" Ron was staring and drooling at an oversized poster of the pop princess. "No, what makes you say that? You're just saying that because you've seen her before?"

"No, seriously Ron, I know I've seen her before. In fact...look, if you just imagine her without the straight blond hair..."

"Voldina IS A NATURAL BLOND!" Ron suddenly appeared angry. "How dare you suggest such a thing! Harry, are you a Death Eater?" He sniffed at Harry's breath. "Are you on drugs?"

But Harry could not be deterred. He was now certain that he had seen that face before, and it wasn't on his morning cereal or smiling at him from his strawberry scented shampoo. In fact, he was pretty certain that what made that face so unrecognizable was the fact that not many people had seen it before, and lived, much less seen it smiling prettily and framed by a cute, spunky blond wig.

Halfway through the day, Harry found Hermione, who was staring in shock at the window display of Voldina Witchina in cute sparkly short-shorts, dancing on a stripper pole. "That is a stripper pole," said Hermione in horror. "I didn't even know that there were strippers in the magical world."

"Hermione, does it strike you as odd that this newest pop sensation has gray skin and a reptilian slit for a nose?" he said.

"Huh?" Hermione furrowed her brows. "Wait, you aren't saying what I think you're saying, are you?"

"Yes," Harry hissed. "Voldina Witchina is Vol-"

His statement was interrupted by the sudden screaming of thousands of young girls, and a handful of boys prone to high-pitched squealing, which blew out several windows across the square. "It's her!" screamed Ginny, flying past. "She's so dreamy!" cried out Ron, flying after her.

Hermione stared at Harry. He wasn't certain what she was trying to say, but he figured the gist of it was she had just thrown up in her mouth a little.

"Wooh!" A freakishly tall, sallow skinned creature appeared on state, flipping her/his long blonde hair out of her/his face. She/He was wearing denim cut-offs, which showed off far too much sinewy gray thigh, and a sparkly top. "Come on!" She/He sang, in a voice that was actually pretty decent although it produced a perpetual hissing sound that to Harry seemed disturbing and to most others was an adorable lisp.

"You got the Firebolt out front...every wand, every style, every core...when you're evil it can be kind of fun...it's really you but no one ever discovers...who would have thought that a Dark Lord like me, could double as a super star?"

"Okay, really, does nobody else get what's going on here?" said Harry to Hermione, who couldn't speak as she had just thrown up a little more. "The fact that this is Voldemort secretly living as a pop star is made explicit in the lyrics. You'd think somebody would figure it out. Even Rita Skeeter is jamming out!"

And there was truth to this, as Rita was bobbing her head to the music as her pen made notes nearby.

"This must be some new, evil scheme of his," said Hermione. "You know, to take over the world...or...something..."

"And according to the prophecy, I'm the only one who can stop him. Hermione, you know what I have to do."

* * *

A few weeks into the fall term at Hogwarts, a front page article alerted the wizarding world to the even newer newest hot pop teen sensation. Her name was Helena Pottania. When Hermione saw the article, she inexplicably smacked Harry, muttering something about coming up with a better name. But nobody noticed this because they were busy ogling, drooling over, or being immensely jealous of the adorable and sassy redhead that stared and winked at them from the cover of The Prophet's entertainment section.

"I must have her. She will be mine," said Ron. "Hey Harry, did you just throw up in your mouth a little?"

For the next several weeks Helena Pottania creeped up the charts, until finally, just after Christmas, Voldina Witchina was pushed downward on the charts and Helena Pottania took the number one spot.

Things were going well for Harry, tired as he was of living a double life and sneaking out of the castle for concerts and CD signings, until he got a message from his agent.

"The Spring Dance?" said Hermione in horror. "Your agent booked you to perform here?"

"Not just me," said Harry. "Voldina Witchina! The both of us? How unlikely is that?"

"Maybe Voldina Witchina is using this secret identity to get close enough to you to kill you!" she said with a gasp. "Oh Harry, you have to be Helena Pottania! You have to hide in plain sight!"

Meanwhile, Harry was dealing with another hilarious and implausible plot device. Before being booked at the dance, Harry had already asked Ginny to be his date. If he canceled he would be giving her the green light to go with Dean, but if he stood her up she'd probably never speak to him again. There was no choice...he was going to have be both Helena Pottania...and Harry Potter...in one night!

* * *

He escorted Ginny to the dance floor, holding a hand around her waist. Voldina Witchina had the first set so Harry had a few minutes to spare, so dividing his time between using the cramped dance floor to get to second base with his date, and scowling at the Dark Lord turned bubbly bubblegum teenybopper on stage, he waited until the last possible second before feining illness and running upstairs, where in the calm and quiet of the boy's dorm he donned a sequined miniskirt and red wig.

"Harry?" He froze, turning slowly to look at Neville, who was staring at him in shock. "I...didn't know this about you," he said.

"It's not what you think..." said Harry.

"Oh, but it is! I knew there was something different about Helena the moment I saw her! Think, my best friend and the girl I love, the same person!" Neville's eyes were shining brilliantly.

"Er...yeah," said Harry. "Listen, I've got to get to my concert...promise not to tell anyone, right? Our little secret," he added, feigning a falsetto and trying his best to laugh girlishly. He failed, but Neville didn't seem to mind.

He took to the stage, dancing and singing and shaking his bum. The crowd cheered animatedly, but at one point Harry was certain he caught a twinkle in Dumbledore's eye that usually meant he knew more than he was letting on.

The crowd was really getting pumped, and as he finished his song he heard an enormous cheer...

"Yesss....yess...it'sss good to be here tonight..." came a voice from behind him. Voldina had joined him onstage.

Harry clutched his wand, but Voldina made no move to fight him. Instead she came up, clapping her hands to the beat pumping out of the speaks. "I'd like to sing a duet, with my new friend Helena!" shouted Voldina.

"Uh....tee-hee...yeah," said Harry unenthusiastically. "Tee-hee," he added, for good measure.

Familiar strains emerged, and Voldina began to sing. "He was a small town boy, orphaned by the Dark Lord, he took the Knight Bus going anywhere..."

"Er...He was small-town boy, became the Dark Lord Voldemort, he took the Knight Bus going anywhere..."

"Oh God, did they really rip off Journey?" muttered Hermione to herself.

"Don't stop believing! Hold on to that feeling! Evil people!"

"Don't stop believing! Hold on to the feeling! People who want to destroy evil people!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

And now the students watched in shock as a ray of green light bounced toward Helena and then back at Voldina, hitting her square in the chest. "Talk about chick rivalry," muttered Ron.

But the shot had knocked Voldina's blonde wig off, and as Dumbledore came up to the stage people gasped as they began to realize that the pop sensation known as Voldina Witchina had been none other than Lord Voldemort.

"Good job, Harry," said Dumbledore to the boy as he slipped the red wig off. "You truly did know the power he knew not...a high vocal range."

"Professor, you knew it all along didn't you?" said Harry in shock.

"Why of course! You'd have to be pretty stupid not to recognize the Dark Lord, even if he is wearing a sassy blonde wig. As for you, I don't know who dressed you, but if you intend to be a female pop sensation you need to stuff n' tuck, if you get my drift." Dumbledore winked. "I never did tell anybody else this, Harry, but...well, you deserve to know. I myself am a pop sensation, though I limit my excursions to the muggle world."

"You professor?" said Harry in shock.

"Why, yes. There are some who know me as...Madonna."


	3. TwilightRocky Horror

**Harry Potter and the Implausable Crossovers**

A/N: I won't be writing complete stories. I'm just imagining various implausible or…dare I say it?...impossible crossover ideas and working them into a semi-cohesive one shot. The better ones may get two or three shots.

If you feel like stealing an idea, be my guest.

**Twilight/Rocky Horror Picture Show**

* * *

Bella and Jacob stood outside the small church with a large group of well wishers. Bella clutched her handbag shyly, waving happily at the bride. The girl in white came over, taking her friend in her arms. "I can't believe it! It seems like only yesterday..."

"Oh, your time will come soon Bella," said Jessica with a wink. Meanwhile, on the other side of the car Mike Newton was clapping Jacob on the shoulder.

"She's a fine girl," he said as Jacob shook his hand. "Trust me, you'll be next."

A general cry rose up as the bride prepared to throw the bouquet. All the girls began to squeal in delight, and as the bunch of flowers was hurled in the air the crowd parted to reveal them in Bella's hand. "I got it! I got it!" she screamed in delight.

"That's my girl," said Jacob.

The two had met in high school, though they hadn't gone to the same school, shortly after Bella moved back into town. They had fallen in love and bonded over Jacob's secret--that he was a werewolf, as were a great many of his friends and cousins. Bella often felt that she had missed out on something...sometimes she caught a sparkle in the corner of her eye and quickly turned, thinking that perhaps she had somehow overlooked something. But she wasn't certain what that was. And after all, she really did love Jake...

"Bella?" he took her by the hand. "Dammit, Bella, I love you. Will you marry me?"

The old truck was barreling down the forest lane. Bella could hardly see due to the darkness, and the rain was hardly useful. "Look, another Volvo," she said as a silver car came speeding from the opposite direction. "That's the third one." She had barely spoken when the thing sputtered. It rolled to a stop just at the edge of a pathway leading up to a mansion.

"Should we go up and ask for help?" asked Jacob.

"Unless you want to be stuck up here all night," said Bella. Cautiously she stepped out of the car. "Look...there's a light," she said.

Together they walked up to the mansion. Jacob knocked, and after mere seconds the door flew open, revealing a tall, muscular young man with golden eyes. One of his shoulders looked as if it were hunched. "Come in. You're late," he hissed.

"Very," said a voice from behind them. They turned, seeing a tall blonde in a maids uniform. Jacob suddenly felt uncomfortable, mostly in his nether regions, and subtly shifted his position so that he was standing behind Bella.

"The dance is about to begin..." he said.

"What dance?" asked Jacob.

"Oh...just...THE TIME WARP!" Inexplicably the hunched man started to sing, and was soon joined by the maid. Bella and Jacob were whisked into a large room, where a large amount of extravagantly beautiful vampires began to dance in time with the loud music that, to Bella's ears, appeared from nowhere. Jacob attempted to dance along, with just a jump to the left, and a step to the right, but tripped all over his feet and was unable to do the Time Warp again.

When the song was over the partygoers seemed to pass out. The butler and the maid come over to them, introducing themselves as Emmett and Rosalie. One of the dancers also stood, a girl with spiky brown hair. She also had golden eyes, like the other two. She was wearing sparkly shorts and black heels with blue socks. Bella believed that she had heard the girl called Alice.

"What's going on?" demanded Bella. Alice was about to speak when suddenly all three of the strange characters turned to an elevator.

"He's coming!" shouted Rosalie.

When the elevator had descended, the doors opened to reveal a tall man with blonde hair and, like the others, golden eyes. He was dressed in a black corset, black panties, fishnets and heels. Even Jacob thought he looked fabulous, though he'd give his left paw before he'd ever admit such a thing.

"He's ready," he said simply. He glanced at Bella and Jacob. "Who are you?"

"Guests," squeaked Alice.

"Well, they should come along too," he said, before disappearing again.

"Come on, we better get you out of those wet things," said Rosalie. Before Bella and Jacob could react their clothes had been tugged off, leaving Bella in a sports bra and polka-dotted boy shorts, and Jacob in boxers dotted with little moons.

In the next room, the man (who the others called Dr. Carl-n-furter) was standing over a large vat. He announced that his experiment had been a success, and slowly the wrapped body of a man began to rise up and out of the liquid within. He began to unwrap the bandages then, and after several moments revealed an extremely toned and attractive young man with bronze hair and sensual pouty lips, with deep brooding eyes of gold and thick eyebrows to was wearing a pair of shiny gold shorts.

"I've done it! Meet...Edward!"

Bella thought she might swoon...he was the most beautiful man she thought she had ever seen. Jacob looked at him in disgust.

Dr. Carl-n-Furter made a show of seducing his newest boytoy and then disappeared with him into their marriage bed.

* * *

Bella woke up to feel Jacob's lips on hers. "Oh, Jake," she whispered. "Ooh...oh we shouldn't. Hey, that's new...no, not as a wolf tonight...Jake...Jake? Eep!" she shrieked.

She looked up into Carl-n-Furter's face, which was done up fabulously with a slick coating of red lipstick, dark eyeliner and heavy mascara. "You! What are you doing here?"

"Pleasing you of course. You do like it don't you Bella?"

"I can't...I can't...whoa! Oh, oh, oh!"

* * *

Jacob was in his room when Bella came running in. "I can't take this place anymore!" she cried out. "We need to get out of here! Please!" She came into Jacob's bed, leaning over him.

"Oh Bella...Bella? YOU!" Jacob stared up at Carl-n-Furter.

"Oh come now, it's not that bad," he said, kissing him deeply and then tickling his chest with even more kisses.

"Whoa..we can't...we can't...oh! Oh!"

* * *

Bella ran out of her room, conflicted over the encounter she had just had in her bedroom. She went back to the room where Edward had been born, and in shock noted that on a screen nearby she could see Jacob sitting on the edge of his bed...and beside him, Carl-n-Furter. "Oh Jake, how could you?" she moaned to herself.

It was then that she heard whimpers of distress from nearby. She walked over and found Edward sitting, alone, frightened and hurt. Bella stared at his glorious form for a long moment. "I thought there was no use in heavy petting..." she whispered. "But...I have an itch to scratch. I need assistance. Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me," she said to Edward, moving toward him as he slowly backed away.

They stared into each others for a long moment then, awkwardly, Edward reached out to grab a hold of Bella's boobs.

In the next room Alice and Rosalie watched the actions on their own screen, rolling around on their bed in excitement at the proceedings. "Ooh..." she moaned. "Touch me, creature of the night."

It was then that Carl-n-Furter discovered his boytoy had escaped. With Jacob in tow he admonished Emmett, and together they watched as a man with long black hair rolled up in his wheelchair. "Hey, I know him!" shouted Jacob. "That's my dad!"

As if on command the chair rolled up and through the mansion, finally bursting through the wall of the room that they were in.

"DAD!" Jacob shouted.

"Son, what are you doing here?" he said.

"I came," said the man, "to find Jacob. The other wolves sensed something and sent me..."

It was at that moment that Bella and Edward popped out of their chamber.

"Billy!"

"Edward!"

"Bella!"

"Jacob!"

"Bella!"

"Edward!"

This went on for a while.

Then Emmett announced that dinner had been served. Everybody was seated, with Rosalie, who had changed into her dress-lingerie, serving. There was no food at the table, only several glasses of a deep red liquid. Everybody sipped at their glasses, though Bella was certain that whatever wine they were serving tasted remarkably like blood. Jacob only noted that it tasted like Elk blood, and gobbled it down. He was a wolf, after all.

They attempted small talk, which inevitably turned to Billy's sudden appearance. "From the day they arrived, they were trouble," he said finally. "You see...these cross-dressing nymphomaniacs...are vampires!" Everybody, including Edward, gasped.

"You imbeciles!" Angry, Carl-n-Furter stood, whipping the tablecloth up to reveal a half-eaten moose drained of blood. Bella shrieked and ran into Edward's arms.

"A dead elk?" said Jacob, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" he said. "We're vegetarian vampires."

They all began to run, ending up once again in the main room, where Carl-n-Furter threw a switch that froze them to the floor. As they began to air their grievances he froze them one by one, until finally they were all statues.

When the group awoke they were all on stage, and all wearing their skimpiest lingerie.

One by one they unfroze and began to sing and dance, until finally Carl-n-Furter joined them onstage. Behind an old movie marquee he delivered a stirring monologue in song. He leapt into a pool and the others followed suit...all except Billy who, still backstage, had the solidity of mind to realize what was going on.

Well, until he caught sight of how nice his legs looked in a pair of stockings and high heels.

They climbed onstage and continued singing and dancing, and even Billy joined in behind them, rolling along and doing high kicks. They were in the middle of their song when Emmett and Rosalie burst in.

"The Volturi sent us to collect you, Carl-n-Furter," said Rosalie.

"What? I...I can explain! It's just...well...this world...I mean, I was just having a little fun," he whined.

"Too bad. you're going to have to come with us...and the evidence of this whole matter will of course be destroyed."

But Carl-n-Furter resisted. Emmett ran forward and lopped his head off with a large machete. Edward, shocked, picked up the headless body and began to run away with it.

Then, out of nowhere, Vampire Hunter D arrived and chopped of Edward Cullen's head.

"What the hell?"

"Called in a favor."

"And did you have to kill him?"

"YES! HE DIDN'T LIKE ME! NOBODY EVER DID! I'M JUST THE MEATY SIDEKICK!" screamed Emmett.

This had just barely been said when the entire mansion burst into a million pieces. Bella and Jacob found themselves stranded on the front lawn. "Well," said Bella, brushing the dirt from her sparkly corset. "That was strange."

"You boinked a vampire," said Jacob.

"Yeah?" said Bella. "You boinked his dad."

"You boinked his dad too..."

"How did you know?" asked Bella.

"Wolf sense. I could smell him on you."

"You mean when you boinked him, right?"

"Yeah."

They were silent for a long moment. "And I still never got to boink you," said Jacob. "This sucks. Want to do it?"

"No," said Bella, standing. "I'm implausibly pregnant. I'm going to give birth to a half-vampire with a penchant for cross dressing very soon...couple of months from now."

And then it was over.


	4. Twlight Grinch

**Harry Potter and the Implausable Crossovers**

A/N: A little something for the holidays. I also will be doing a Harry Potter/Christmas Carol.

**Twilight/How the Grinch Stole Christmas**

Every human  
Down in Forksville  
Liked Christmas a lot...  
But the Vampires,  
Who lived just North of Forksville,  
Did NOT!  
The Vampires hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

(Though it probably has something to do with the glitter.

Only vampires should sparkle and glisten and shimmer!)  
It could be that they constantly thirsted for blood,  
Though most girls wouldn't have minded, that Ed guy was a stud!

But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that old Edward's heart was two sizes too small.

It had atrophied due to a century without beating,

And organs can't handle that kind of mistreating.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His heart or his thirst,  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating his curse  
Brooding from his nice shiny Volvo with a smoldering frown,  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
If only some innocent adolescent girl,

Would come bring angst ridden love to his angst ridden world…

But alas there was none, none whose blood was so sweet,

He could look at her as if she were a giant slab of meat.

(He imagined such a girl existed out there somewhere.

When he found her he planned to have her…quite rare.)  
"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then he angsted again, for a minute or to.

Angsting was really all Ed knew how to do.

When the angsting was done he had quite a thought.  
"I'll end my depression by helping with Christmas…yeah right NOT!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...  
...All the Forks tweens and teens…  
Would wake up after noon and rush for their facebooking machines!  
And then! Oh, the updates! The tweets, tweets tweets tweets!  
That's one thing he hated! The TWEETS! TWEETS! TWEETS! TWEETS!

(All right, so he didn't really hate that. He just had no friends.

No tweeter to tweet with, no message to send.)

Then all the Forksians would sit down to their dinner.

Except for the atheists, the Jews and other such sinners.

(That part was a joke. I must really point out,

That in the books Edward was really quite devout.)  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
They would start on Turducken, and rare porkish, feathery type beasts.  
Which was something Edward couldn't stomach in the least!  
And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every (Christian) Forksian would go and meet at Town Hall.  
They'd stand awkwardly around, the teens on their phones,

Texting LOL ths s lame and OMG wanna go hoooome!  
Then they'd be forced to sing and the sound hurt Ed's ears,  
After all, he'd practiced music professionally for over seventy years.  
And the more Edward thought of the Forks Christmas sing,

The more Edward thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
"Why for a hundred years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
...But HOW?"  
Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
EDWARD CULLEN  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
"I know just what to do!" Edward laughed in his throat.  
And he had Alice make him a Santa hat and coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great vampire trick!  
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

Of course Ed was deluded, he was gray gaunt and thin,

And Santa Claus doesn't bare his fangs when he grins.

Although actually kids, you probably don't know it,

But Santa is also a vampire…don't blow it.

If you're naughty this year you may awake Christmas eve,

To find Santa wiping the blood from your neck on his sleeve.

But anyway, back to my Twilight themed story,

Because Vampire Santa is a little too glory.  
"All I need is a reindeer..."  
Edward looked around.  
But since he'd eaten the last there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the old Vamp...?  
No! Edward simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called his brother Emmet, tied his bro to the "sled",  
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.  
THEN  
He loaded some bags  
And trudged through the snow,  
On his own shiny car,  
And he hitched up his bro.

Then Ed said, "Giddyap!"  
And the sleigh started down  
Toward the homes where the humans  
Were online in their town.  
A few windows were dark, except for those of the teens,  
Who would rather LOL than share in sweet dreams.  
When he came to the first house in the square.  
"This is stop number one," The old Edward Claus hissed  
And he leapt gracefully to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  
Then he started to go down the chimney but paused,

His vampire magic was no match for Mr. Claus,

So he went in through the window, into a young girl's bedroom,  
Who smelt sweetly of Freesia, or maybe Ed's doom.  
She opened her eyes but did not see Ed there,

He had ducked out of sight so as not to give her a scare.

His thoughts raged around him, he knew not how to act.

Would he love her, or leave her? Or make her his snack?  
He went down to the den, with a deep brooding smile,

Where the Christmas tree stood, all the gifts in a pile.  
A hardback teen novel with an angst-ridden beau,

And a new iPod touch with some Muse albums in tow.

He went to the fridge and removed most of the meal

So that nothing was left save some Ramen and seal.

(Given to Officer Swann by the natives,

I'm told it tastes pleasant if your cooking's creative…).  
Then he shoved everything out of the window with glee.  
"And NOW!" grinned the Vamp, "I will throw out up the tree!"  
And then Ed grabbed the tree and he started to throw,  
When he heard a loud stammer like a prattling crow.  
He turned and who should he see but the girl from the room!  
Bella Swann, age seventeen and come to end Edward's gloom.  
Edward had been caught by this angsty Forks teen,

Who'd been certain the pale, sexy stranger was no dream.  
She stared at Edward and said, "You dreamy freak, why,  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"  
But you know, that old Ed was so smart and so quick,

That he…well, could think of nothing so acted like a prick.  
"I'm a vampire, sweet thing but no one will believe you,

So don't try and tell anyone. I've no reason to deceive you.

I could kill you quite easily…in the sunlight I glitter…

But rather than murder I'll love you and grow bitter."

And he stared at her broodingly, while Bella in turn,

Fell in love with the vampire, felt her beating heart yearn.

With no other way out Edward turned and he fled,

Waiting til Bella slept before he could spy on her in bed.  
She was so deeply in love that she scarcely had seen

Every Christmas thing was gone, Ed had robbed them clean!

The only thing left in Bella Swann's house,

Were her angsty desires, which annoyed even the mouse.

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other Forks houses  
Leaving crumbs  
Much too small  
For the other Forks mouses!  
It was quarter past dawn...  
All the humans, still a-bed  
All the humans, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his Volvo type sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!  
Like an ape through the woods, he leaped to his house

With all of the presents, to Emmet's pissy blonde spouse.

Who would gripe and nag and bitch and moan

Til Emmett admitted where over the night they had flown.  
"Screw the humans," said Edward under her gaze,  
"They're finding out now there will be no Christmas day!"  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"The all the humans down in Forksville will all cry BOO-HOO!"  
"That's a noise," grinned old Ed,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And Edward put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...  
But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound didn't sound very merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it was ANGRY! VERY!  
He stared down at Forks!  
Edward popped his eyes!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!  
Every human down in Forks, the tall and the small,  
Were marching toward his house, flaming torches and all!

They were marching and singing the old Christmas songs,

Like battle marches. Where oh where could he have gone wrong!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
IT CAME!  
By good cheer or by violence, it came just the same!  
And then Edward, with his vampire-feet ice-cold in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"  
And he puzzled awhile while his family prepared,

To kill all the humans. They were were scared.

They all knew of their secret—they knew about Ed.

They knew Alice, Emmett Rosalie Esme and Carlisle were all dead!  
Then Edward thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

"It's all about unity! Banding as one!

They want to slaughter us…why can't we have some fun!"  
And what happened then...?  
Well...in Who-ville they say  
That Edward's frigid cold heart  
Stayed pretty much the same that day.  
So he and his family, they slaughtered them all,

Except for that Bella girl, then they all,

Played some baseball and joined in a feast

and then Ed…

HE HIMSELF…

Drank human blood till his hunger ceased.


End file.
